


Not an Illusion

by Queenie_004



Category: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Making Up, Misunderstandings, The Bus Ride, The Ski Trip, social media shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 16:55:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16067360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenie_004/pseuds/Queenie_004
Summary: "They have a fight. The first real fight of their not real relationship and there’s a period where they seem to be walking a tightrope between having it either blow up in both their faces or go out with a whimper. He’s pissed she heard him talking to Gen on the bleachers but more than that, he’s pissed at himself for still being so passive to Gen, still letting her lead him on when he already knows she’s not what he wants anymore. Who he wants."a.k.a. A re-imagining of the Ski Trip bus rideLike all writers I crave feedback! Please share in the comments if you have any and thank you for reading!





	Not an Illusion

They have a fight. The first real fight of their not real relationship and there’s a period where they seem to be walking a tightrope between having it either blow up in both their faces or go out with a whimper. He’s pissed she heard him talking to Gen on the bleachers but more than that, he’s pissed at himself for still being so passive to Gen, still letting her lead him on when he already knows she’s not what he wants anymore. Who he wants.

He wages a full out campaign on Chris to get Lara Jean to go on the Ski Trip. Of course he can’t believe he let her get away with adding a requirement to an already agreed upon term. If he’d known she’d try that he would have made his own bid for re-negotiating the stupid “no kissing” rule. Did she think they would be done by the time it came around and she wouldn’t have to go? Did she not realize it all stopped being pretend for him pretty soon after it started? Did she not get how frustrating she is with her obliviousness to his feelings for her and her stubborn refusal to consider this anything other than a game they are playing? His friends tease him about how he talks about her and looks at her and avoids plans with them to be with her. If a bunch of teenage boys can see all this, why can’t one perfect, beautiful, smart, dreamy eyed teenage girl obsessed with romance not see it?

Chris capitulates but only after he sits through an interrogation about whether he’s using Lara Jean to get back with Gen (he doesn’t know how to answer this honestly because technically yes, originally, but now no because of the whole falling in love with her thing). He must be believable enough because she agrees and he’s so grateful he orders her a Subway gift card during his study hall and then begins planning how to get back in Lara Jean’s good graces. He starts by texting Kitty about the yogurt drink she loves so he can get her some for the bus ride (she blackmails him into taking her to the Korean market and adds to his stress levels by having to plan it when Lara Jean won’t notice them both gone for so long.) He packs the fleece pullover she told him he looked cute in (“Oh yeah?” he’d drawled, “so you think I’m cute?” She’d given him one of her funny little pretend annoyed faces and said, “In the fleece Peter, don’t get cocky.”) He almost packs his mom’s travel pillow so she can sleep but then realizes that’s dumb because he can offer her his shoulder to rest her pretty head against. But he does grab some of her candles because if somehow between the skiing, his buddies trying to get him to party, Chris watching to make sure he doesn’t fuck things up, and Gen circling him like prey, maybe he could get Lara Jean alone in a candlelit room and confess how he feels about her maybe even kiss her to prove it.

But it immediately falls apart when she gets on the bus and first acts like she’s not going to even acknowledge him, and then makes an excuse about having to sit with Chris and leaves him standing there feeling like the wind was knocked out of him and before he can even move into the aisle to follow her Gen has appeared and coyly smiled her way into Lara Jean’s seat. As the ride progresses she does everything he wished she would do back when she dumped him, namely making it clear that she is his for the taking. When she puts her hand on his thigh and whispers, “you should come to my room later because I know she’s not giving you what I can” he realizes with violent clarity that he is completely over her and he needs to get the fuck out of this seat. Jumping up he heads down to where Lara Jean and Chris have their heads together sharing ear buds, “Lara Jean can I talk to you?” the girls look up at him and most of the heads in the bus turn to watch the potential drama unfold. Chris checks Lara Jean and says, “what do you want LJ?” and Lara Jean inhales and nods her head and Peter is so relieved he practically pulls Chris up out of the seat. When she does finally rise she fixes him with a look, “be nice or I’ll send you right back to my she-devil cousin.”

When he sits down he feels her tense and watches as she folds her hands primly on her lap as if they’re in church and not a bus full of rowdy, hormonal, nosey classmates. “Look, Lara Jean we’re done. It’s over, OK.” She jerks her head to look at him and hisses, “I can’t believe you are dumping me on the bus to the stupid Ski Trip that you _made_ me come on!” Oh god he realizes what she heard is not what he meant, “Shit! No, no, no not us, not this” he gestures between them and tries to reach for her but she jerks away from him and he feels his heart break a little. “I meant Gen, not us, with Gen. I’m done with her.” She turns her face towards the window and he thinks she might be struggling not to cry, fuck he can’t make her cry, everything is going completely off the rails with the added bonus of having an audience to witness it. “Lara Jean look at me, I want us…I want you…” but before he can finish she’s pulled out her phone and is angrily swiping, “what are you doing?” he asks because she’s been so unpredictable today he wouldn’t put it past her to start looking at Tumblr while he tried to tell her he wanted to date her for real. And then she shoves her phone at him and he sees it, he sees why she’s so furious. “Do you know exactly how humiliating this is?” he has never seen Lara Jean Covey mad before and she is _mad_ and he doesn’t blame her because it’s a series of Instagram Stories taken of him and Gen just before. Without context it looks like they are getting cozy and the text says shit like “Look who’s back together!” and gifs of lovebirds and kisses and Jesus fucking Christ he’s tagged in it. “Whoa, whoa, whoa that is _not_ what it looks like! I swear Covey, you have to believe me” “Peter” she is looking right at him with a face that full on cracks his heart apart, “you need to go.”

So he did. And he made Gen’s minion Emily who took the photos sit with her because he couldn’t stand to be near her again. From the bus to his room his phone blows up with texts from his friends wanting to know what the story is and more tags of the goddamn pictures. He half wonders if Lara Jean will call her dad and ask him to drive up and get her. And he wouldn’t blame her. If he’d been honest with her months ago this disaster could have been avoided if he hadn’t been a coward and just admitted to her that being her fake boyfriend made him realize how much he wanted to be her actual one. He flops on the bed and puts a pillow over his face and bellows. When Greg comes in the room he says, “I can’t believe I get to share a room with the Bus Romeo of Adler High.” Peter keeps the pillow on his face and contemplates calling his mom and asking her to drive up and get him. “Dude. Don’t” he warns. Greg pulls the pillow off his face, “you wanna tell me what that little drama was all about?” Peter shakes his head, “Nope. Is everyone talking about it?” Greg bursts out laughing, “oh, son, this is the most exciting thing to happen on this trip since Lucy Harper and Jennifer Simonds decided to come out by making out on the ski lift three years ago!” Peter groans, “dude this is so bad.” Greg sits next to him and punches him on the leg, “c’mon now, you’re Peter Kavinsky! Your DNA is 95% charm! Stop hiding and go tell those girls what’s what.” In response Peter drops the pillow back on his face. “I think I need a drink before I do that” he says into it. “Well, that can be arranged!” Greg chortles.

And that’s how he finds himself a few hours later sitting in the lodge by the fireplace with his buddies. Technically there is no alcohol on this trip and officially there is no sex either except there’s totally plenty of both and Peter had been wishfully hoping he’d be doing the latter instead of the former. His boys have spiked the drinks from hidden flasks and circled the wagons around him, trying to keep things light but it’s hard to laugh when the people outside their gang are watching him and he’s noticed Gen pass on the balcony on the other side of the room more than once. He has no idea where Lara Jean is and is afraid to look at his phone and see a text that he’s been dumped, or maybe even worse—not contacted him at all. Gabe is telling a story and the group is getting loud and then there’s a sudden drop in the noise and when Peter looks up he sees Lara Jean walking towards them. “Oh man Kavinsky” Gabe mutters, “Is she gonna dump your ass in front of witnesses?” Before he can answer she’s there slipping between the wingback chairs looking goddamn adorable in leggings and a pink fuzzy sweater, she even has her hair down which she knows he likes and he is both terrified and turned on. The guys murmur greetings and she comes up to where he’s sitting and chirps, “Hi” and he looks up and her face looks softer than it did earlier and he feels a small flicker of hope spark in his chest. “Here you are” and then she does the most unexpected thing in the world and sits down in his lap. “What are we drinking?” she says to his open-mouthed friends and suddenly they all snap back into action and surreptitiously hand her mugs of boozy hot cider.

As the night goes on the buzz dies down. His friends are getting drunk and the audience has gotten distracted by their phones and their own teen angst. Peter, unsure how to behave with Lara Jean casually resting on his thighs and dangerously close to his cock, waits for her to signal what is OK to do. He wants so badly to touch her, wrap his arms around her and nuzzle into her neck, brush her hair back and let it slip through his fingers. He wants to rest his hand on her knee and kiss her jawline and inhale the sweet baby powder sheen of her skin and god does he want to peel those form-fitted leggings off her and bury himself between her legs. At first she stays leaning forward and away from him but then she shifts around a bit and starts relaxing into him. He feels her spine slip back when she turns to look at him, her eyes shining and warm. At one point she throws an arm around his neck and giggles, “isn’t that right Peter?” and he, vaguely even aware of the question nods enthusiastically because he’s so into how good she feels right here with him even though he has no fucking idea what is going on in her head. After awhile some of the guys stumble off to bed and the people around them thin out as the fire burns down into embers. She rests back in the crook of his arm and looks at him, “Hi Peter Kavinsky” she says softly and her fingertips graze his cheek making him swallow hard. “Hi Covey. What’s up?” A slow grin forms, “mmm I may be a little drunk, but just a little” she wrinkles her nose to emphasize the measurement of her drunkenness and he can’t help but laugh because she’s just so goddamn cute she literally makes his stomach feel like it’s doing gymnastics. As her fingers slide from his cheek he catches them in his hand and lightly presses his lips to the tips and she makes the most delicious sounding sigh. “That feels nice” she whispers and he restrains himself from saying something about other places he could put his mouth that would make her feel real nice. Instead he clears his throat and says, “I thought you were mad at me?” She nods her eyes dark and beautiful, “I was.” “But…you’re not now?” She shakes her head, “no, Peter Kavinsky.” As cute as Drunk Lara Jean is, he has to know where they are because he can’t take what happened today, and what’s happening now, and survive the night in her presence let alone an entire weekend. “Lara Jean, nothing happened with Gen. I know how it looked but those were just taken at opportune times, and I know that sounds so weak, like, ‘pics or it didn’t happen’ and it looks like it happened. I get why you were upset” she’s snuggling closer to him and has a small smile on her face, “but honest to god, I wanted to sit with you I had the whole ride planned out for us and I’m sorry, I’m really sorry you felt humiliated. I feel so bad that I hurt you.” She sits up a bit and wraps her arms around his neck, “I know.” She brushes her nose against his and he dares to slide his hand along her thigh, “I got a text from Kitty, asking how I liked my Yakult’” she says and he blows out a chuckle. “And Chris told me how much you wanted me to come that you bribed her with Subway” she places a kiss on his forehead, “Hmmm it wasn’t really a bribe,” he whispers, “more like a token of appreciation.” He can smell her baby powder skin now as the cowl neck of her sweater slips open so he inhales and wraps an arm around her waist. “Hey,” he takes her chin and tilts her face to his, “not that I want to put an end to this Covey because you are so incredibly sexy right now and I cannot tell you how much I like it because I don’t like it, I _love_ it, but where are we, exactly?” She sighs and looks at him “I believe you that you weren’t messing around with Gen on the bus and you didn’t know Emily was taking the pictures.” He feels such relief flood his system that he doesn’t even care that he was exonerated by a crafty pre-teen and a girl he thinks is stoned half the time, he’s just grateful to them both. “And Greg came to my room before” Peter’s eyebrows jump up, “say what?” “He seemed to think it was important I was aware you were locked in your room screaming into pillows.” Peter laughs, “I refuse to respond on the grounds it may incriminate me.” She gives him a smile that makes his heart thump into his ribcage like it wants to be set free. “I’m sorry too.” “You?” he says with surprise, “what do you have to be sorry for?” “Because I know you Peter, I know you wouldn’t be that cruel. I know your heart is too big for that. I’m sorry I doubted it even for a second. And I’m sorry I didn’t sit with you. I was being mean. I felt mean.” He barely had anything to drink yet his head is spinning. “I really, really want to kiss you right now” he murmurs as his tongue darts out to wet his lips and she says, “walk me to my room.”

The remaining gawkers watch intently as they head up the stairs hand in hand. Outside her room he pulls her into him and she rises on her toes, her mouth within reach of a kiss but when he leans down to meet her lips she whispers, “you have until 3PM Sunday when the bus leaves to confess what’s really going on in here” she jabs at his chest and he exaggerates that it hurt, “and if you do, then you’ll get your kiss.” He squeezes his eyes shut and rests his forehead against hers. “What if I tell you n…” but she stops him, “No! I want to be sober so I can remember it all!” he laughs, “Ah, my little romantic.” “And make it good Peter Kavinsky! Make my knees weak” He uses all the willpower he can muster after this crazy day to not crush her in a kiss so deep and so hard that both their knees would go weak. “Girl I’m gonna romcom you so hard you’ll forget Jake Ryan’s name” she giggles and kisses him on the cheek. “That’s a very daring offer and I accept your terms” then she holds out her hand as he grins and shakes it “How come I always find myself making secret deals with you Covey?”  

They say good night and he watches her close the door behind her after which he does a silent victory scream and heads to his room to start planning how to sweep her off her goddamn feet and get his kiss and get the girl.

 

 _Tell me you believe in love_  
_It's not an illusion_

 _I been thinking about the nights_  
_And the dangerous tricks_  
_People play on the eyes of the innocent_  
_I can turn a lot of hearts into_  
_Breaks with smoke and_  
_Mirrors disappearing_  
_Right in front of them_

 _But believe me_  
_I'm not trying to deceive you_  
_I promise falling for me_  
_Won't be a mistake_

 _No baby this is not an illusion_  
_I've really got my heart out on my sleeve_  
_Oh baby this is not an illusion_  
_There's magic between you and me_  
_No baby this is not an illusion_  
_You really got me lifted off my feet_  
_So tell me you believe in love_  
_'Cause its not an illusion to me_

 _You don't ever have to worry about me_  
_About how the cards fall_  
_I'm all that you need tonight_

 _I would never turn your heart into_  
_Broken parts_  
_You don't have to think twice_  
_Looking in my eyes_

 _Can't you see it?_  
_I'm not trying to mislead you_  
_I promise falling for me_  
_Won't be a mistake_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Illusion / One Direction (2014)


End file.
